Always Scared

As I got older I started to understanding the words the J.W's would speak from the podium, and you would think I would be enlightened. That was never the case, so now not only did I walk on egg shells,and felt that a bomb would explode at any moment. Now any time there was a storm I really thought Armageddon was coming, anytime I heard of storm, tornado, or earthquake anywhere in the world, my parent would say were in the last days, so when I would hear that I thought Armageddon was coming. When a plane was flying over us I thought for sure it was a plane coming to bomb us, and that would be the start of Armageddon. Trust me there were so many things out there to scare the crap out of me, and knowing that I had to deal with it on my own even thou I was just a child sucked so badly. I would have never bothered my parents with my scared thoughts, because I just knew it would get me in trouble, and it would cause my dad to hit me. I thought of killing myself just so the next time I woke up it would be in paradise, because the J.W's don't believe you will go to heaven unless your part of the 144,000, and I knew I wasn't one of them. The idea of suicide was quickly shut down when my mother told that when people commit suicide they will never be in paradise. As far as I knew I was destined to be a J.W. my whole life and always being told we had to fear god. As they explained it to me fear him not in a bad way, but as a child should fear disappointing there father. Most time I would just nod my head in agreement, knowing in my heart that I didn't understand, and not knowing if I ever would.